Holding Space for the Grieving
Over the years I’ve often been asked two questions, “how have you survived the death of your child?” and “what can be done to help those who are grieving?” My intent for this piece is to humbly give insight as to what was my experience and what helped me on my journey.
This article will address the second question, as to how best to support those who are grieving. My prayer is that these words will bring comfort and healing to those grieving and hope to those who care for someone who is grieving.
I have learned to survive the unthinkable, quite honestly some days better than others. The grieving parent’s survival is likened to treading water. Sometimes, throughout each day, you get so tired of just trying to keep your head above water, that you go under the water. At this point, you must make the decision to swim up to the surface and start treading again or just to stay underwater and let it take you. If you’re fortunate you have friends and family that enter the water with you, and they stay there with you till you come up for your breath again. This my friends is where you hold space for the grieving.
Holding space is what our supporters do that allows us to grieve as hard and as long as we need to. Grief is a journey that is brutally painful. There is no quick fix, no going around, the only way is through the pain. To survive it you must be allowed to feel it completely.
Those who hold space are the ones who enter into your sadness with you. They don’t put timelines on your grief and they understand that this is not something they can fix. They don’t leave regardless of how painful it is to watch you suffer.
Those that stay with you in your grief, remind you of the life you had before your loss. There were times when I couldn’t even tolerate myself let alone expect anyone else to do so. Yet those brave ones, held space during my angriest and saddest moments while I was trying to make sense of what life was now. They encouraged me to come join in life again and were not offended when I was unable to. They continue to listen to my stories about my daughter, and they are not afraid to speak her name.
Sadly some people think if they mention your deceased loved one’s name that it will remind you of your sadness, but is the opposite. A grieving parent wants the world to remember that their child was here and that they mattered. Nothing brings me more comfort than to have a memory of Sara shared and for her life to be acknowledged.
Those who hold space are not afraid of strong emotions. They understand that these are part of the healing process. This permits the grieving to feel the rawness of their pain and sadness allowing for it be to come forth to be healed rather than buried deep inside.
We know our emotions are unpredictable, so avoidance becomes our best management tool. Don’t wait for an invitation to come visit or to be asked for your help. It was six months before I could talk on the phone without crying uncontrollably, so I definitely was not calling anyone to ask for their help.
When you’re grieving hard, everyday tasks feel insurmountable. We were so grateful for those who shoveled our driveway or dropped off toilet paper and coffee supplies, not to mention the countless meals provided. It was two years before I could go to the grocery store again, as I would see my daughter’s favorite cereal or cookies and completely break down. The smallest acts of kindness meant so very much.
Those who hold space know their judgements on how you’re grieving are not required. Attempting to placate the grieving parent with cliches’ that sound like “I know exactly how you’re feeling, my grandfather died last year,” or “ God has a plan,” or “ she was needed somewhere else” are not helpful. Comments like these made my husband and myself literally want to scream. Your remarks and comments are not required, only your presence is. If you’re not sure what to say to someone who’s grieving, it’s best to say nothing at all. Over the years I’ve come to understand that everyone has their own frame of reference for grief and people will say hurtful remarks simply out of ignorance and innocence.
The grieving parent feels frozen in time. Our only desire is for life to go back to the time when our child was still alive. This makes it very painful to accept that life moves on without your child. To this day, family celebrations such as weddings, baptisms, and reunions are difficult to attend. Even though we are happy for those celebrating their events, and wish them well, my husband and I often put in our required appearance and then go home and cry. We are so grateful for the friends and family who understand and don’t take personally our often early departures.
The healing community that I am apart of was integral to my survival. I can’t stress it enough that if you have any healing skills, humbly offer them to the grieving. My greatest sense of comfort and peace came from my Reiki students & peers, who repeatedly sent myself and my family distance Reiki. Our Reiki connection would allow them to intuitively know when I needed help and their treatments and prayers, saved me in my darkest moments. If you’re not a part of the healing community, a simple prayer for peace is most beneficial too.
The positive energy created and the high vibration that accompanies love holds the energy of the space for healing to occur. The powerful, loving energy of the prayers and Reiki, cradled our sorrow and allowed it to come forth to be healed. This is what we needed to find our new way of being and our New Normal.
Namaste’ Dear Ones.
