Learning to Live With Grief
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In this blog I’m going to answer the second question I’m most often asked and that is “how have you managed to move forward following the death of your daughter?”
Even though it’s been over nine years since Sara died in a car accident, there are times that I still can’t believe it’s true. As I write these words, tears stream down my face because I know it is in fact true and like every other bereaved parent I would never have believed that this could possibly happen to one of my children. However enough time has passed that I am no longer able to convince myself that, if I just go to sleep I’ll wake up and this was all just be a bad dream and when I awake my life will be back to normal.
My understanding is this, the reality of losing one’s child is such an unnatural order of life events, that our subconscious mind doesn’t allow us to fully go there. We make plans for the impending death of our aging parents and spouse with wills, life insurance and estate planning, yet there is no life plan for outliving your child. We all have the understanding that most of us will eventually outlive our parents, maybe even our spouse, or siblings, but not everyone will lose a child, which makes this journey even more lonely and isolating.
My intent here is not to minimize the grief of losing a parent, spouse or sibling. My own mother passed away suddenly when I was 33 years old, so I fully understand the difficulty of losing a parent and my husband’s brother passed away suddenly when my husband was 22yrs old. My sole and “soul” purpose for writing this blog is with the humble prayer that these words will bring some peace, solace and hope to the bereaved parent reading them now.
Decide to Survive.
It’s imperative to “decide” to survive the hell you are now living and you must make it a conscious effort. Otherwise the overwhelming pervasive sadness that is now your reality is like an anaconda that will swallow you whole. Honestly there were many times that I felt so utterly broken that I truly believed my family was better off without me. I also felt that everything I knew to be true in this life was no longer that, nothing in my world made any sense to me. However, something Sara always wrote in her cards to her father and I is what essentially saved my life. Sara always signed her cards with “I’m so proud you’re my Mom” or “ I’m so proud that you’re my parents”. So I decided that I would do my best to continue to make Sara proud that I am her Mom and I made a promise to her that I would not let her death define the amazing relationship we enjoyed for 23.5 wonderful years. My desire to continue to make my daughter proud of me is what has kept me going and allowed to me to not only survive but thrive in spite of the sadness that is apart of my everyday existence.
Feel Your Feelings by Walking through the Fire.
As a social worker I witnessed firsthand the self destruction that occurs when one tries not to feel their feelings. There is definitely no going around this pain and there isn’t enough drugs or alcohol to numb the pain of the death of your child. There is only one way and that is through the fire of the pain.
Your sadness and anger must be given a voice and heard in order to be honored and healed. This process is a difficult one and can be problematic on so many levels, but is what is necessary, to move forward in your life.
Feelings that you try to bury deep down inside cannot be contained for very long and eventually will ooze out into your life in ways that are far more destructive than allowing yourself to just feel them.
Bereaved parents become masters at “putting on the face” that they know everyone wants to see, all the while their pain and sadness are eating at their soul. We learn vey quickly to tell those around us that “everything is fine” so they will leave us alone and stop asking us “how are you doing?” My reality is that life will never fully be “fine” again. I will never again know that feeling of joy every mother feels when all of her children are together. Unless you too are a bereaved mother I know you can not fully grasp this reality, as your subconscious mind
will protect you from that which is truly hell.
Your grief must be attended to, its imperative that you seek out opportunities to express your deepest, darkest, saddest feelings either through art, music, connecting to nature, talk therapy, and ancient healing techniques such as Reiki. For everyone it will be different, this is your path to walk and no one can do it for you. My husband found it most helpful to take long walks in the woods with Sara’s dogs, and my solace came from my Reiki healing community and from talking to other grieving Moms. Trust that your soul knows what is the best way for you to heal and attend to your grief.
As a bereaved parent my sadness is now a part of who I am, its’ always there, and once I accepted this, a space opened up in my heart to feel moments of joy and happiness again. I’ve learned over the years to “manage” my grief, by honoring my feelings and giving myself time alone to cry before a family event, or holiday so that I can better manage my emotions. Learning that you control your emotions and that your emotions don’t have to control you, allows you to go out in public again and rejoin the living. I will still tear up in public but in a more manageable way that I’m honoring my feelings rather than denying them their release.
Meditation
I’m most grateful that I have a daily meditation practice, for it reminds me to stay present in this day and in this moment. Meditation teaches us that we control our thoughts, our thoughts don’t have to control us. It’s important to note here, that meditation isn’t a means of escaping from our thoughts & feelings, but rather a means of connecting with them.
You may be thinking that meditation is too complicated or challenging at the best of times let alone when one is grieving. Meditation can be as simple as bringing your attention to your breath and noticing it as comes in and as it goes out. When your mind goes back to grief thoughts then we just redirect our mind back noticing our breath.
This can be done anywhere and at anytime, which makes it an effective tool for managing our grief. I’ve had many times when I was sitting in a waiting room or standing in a long line and was fearful that I would burst into tears because something or someone had triggered my thoughts of sadness for Sara’s loss and this is when I could turn my attention inward to my breath simply noticing it coming into my nose and
leaving out through my mouth. I gave myself a simple mantra such as “ be here and now in this moment” to repeat in my head and found this to be so helpful in getting through those unexpected times when my grief would sneak up on me.
It was several weeks after Sara’s transition before I could go into my Reiki room to meditate, however one day when I was wandering aimlessly around my home wondering how the hell I was going to go on now, I heard a very clear voice in my head that sounded like Sara’s voice that told me to go into my Reiki room and sit! I reluctantly did just that, I went and sat where I had always meditated in preparation for a client. I tried to connect to my breath and to listen to soft reiki music, but my mind just kept going to “how can this be true” and at one point I decided enough I can’t do this, but as I went to get up I felt hands on my shoulders gently guiding me back down into the chair and felt another set of hands come over mine to hold them in “gassho” a Reiki meditation hand position. I very clearly heard “just sit”, so I did just that and I felt everything, all the sadness, all the anger, but also all the love and joy Sara brought to my life and that I brought to hers. I knew in that moment that my relationship with Sara wasn’t over that it would continue just in a different way. As time went on I was able to continue my meditation and it has brought me great comfort and even deeper connection to my daughter.
To this day, when I close my eyes to meditate, the first image I see is Sara’s beautiful smile, and I believe this is her way of telling me that she is near me.
Open Yourself to Love Again.
It goes without saying that a bereaved parent knows heartache like no other. I have at times felt like the universe stabbed me in the heart and left me to slowly bleed out. My husband describes his grief as that you feel like you’re constantly fighting a battle that doesn’t exist. You’re angry that your child is gone and there was nothing you could do to protect her. You feel betrayed by all of what you believed to be true in this world.
This is why grieving parents have a tendency to push everyone away. If we are to heal and move forward in our journey we must allow ourselves to laugh and love again. At first it feels unnatural and wrong on so many levels, we may even feel guilty. But I would notice little signs from Sara that felt like her way of saying “see Mom I’m still here, I’m still with you”. These were bitter sweet at first, and would make my heart ache, but over time the bitterness left and what remained was the sweet essence of my Sara.
I make a daily conscious choice to have immense gratitude for the 23.5 years that I did get to have with this amazing, beautiful girl. I shift my thoughts towards “how lucky am I that I got to be her Mom”. I believe by focusing on thoughts of gratitude this allows me to open myself to receiving love. So that when our first grandson was born I was able to fully appreciate the blessing that he is to our family. We will welcome with open hearts are second grandson in November and he too with out doubt will bless our family with much joy and happiness.
I hold dear to my heart the words I was told by Zen Buddhist master Thich Naht Hahn that my ” darling is not lost, she has but merely changed form” and so I know deep in my heart and soul that my relationship with Sara has not ended but in fact continues. So I must to the best of my abilities continue to make Sara proud that I am her Mom.
Namaste dear friends 💖🙏
Owner of The Mindful Spirit - Restorative Energy Healing, Loralee is a retired Registered Social Worker, Certified Hypnotherapist, Reiki Master/Teacher, Meditation Instructor, and Author of A New Normal - A Grieving Mother's Journey From Loss to Healing available for purchase through:
Amazon.com | Amazon.ca | Barnes&Noble | Balboa Press | Indigo.ca
